


On Love

by MurderInk



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Is Gay, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 17:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18579604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderInk/pseuds/MurderInk
Summary: The musings of one confused angel, miraculous come backs and love confessions.This is the journey of Castiel figuring out his feelings for Dean and what follows.Light and fairly uncomplicated story for rainy days. More fluff in the chapters to follow!





	On Love

Castiel loved Dean.  _ That _ was a fact. He did not need to question it to understand it and he accepted it at face value. After all, Dean’s soul was a sight to behold. It shone brighter than the stars. How could he not love what his Father deemed to be the Righteous Man? 

And yet, having spent so much time around the Winchesters and humanity he learned that he could, in fact, question it. That doubt was real and it did not make him less of an angel. That is, if one accepts the notion that angels were not made to obey like mindless drones. Sometimes he still struggled with that. He longed for Heaven and the soothing idea that Father was there and He knew best. But that was just that- an idea. God had long left and Cas was past that most days.

For once, there was no impending doom. No apocalypse, no mark, nothing. Dean and Sam took care of cases and life was peaceful in the bunker. Or it was supposed to be if it weren’t for the fact that Castiel, angel of Thursdays,  _ longed _ . Not for Heaven, not even for a simpler life but simply for the company of one Righteous Man. Said man was oblivious to his struggles.

It all began one fine morning. The sun rose lazily over the hills, a gentle breeze rustling the branches of the trees surrounding the bunker. Dean was working on his car when Castiel came back from Heaven. He took the habit of visiting every now and then, but he mainly stayed on earth, at the bunker. It was an unspoken agreement that Cas could stay there and he was grateful for it.

When he rolled from under the car, Dean grinned at him and pulled him into a hug as he usually did whenever he came back. It was another ‘unspoken agreement’ and Castiel couldn’t help but notice the fuzzy feeling he got in his chest as he hugged the hunter back. Dean was a surly, emotionally constipated man as Sam so eloquently put it, but when he showed affection Castiel thought it was beautiful. A quiet sense of pride surged in him, knowing that  _ he _ was the one who put that smile there. That should have been the first clue and yet it seemed to fly right past his head.

“Dean,” he greeted, relieved to see the man alive and well and in no immediate danger. One thing he had noticed about the Winchesters after all the years spent around them is that they attracted trouble like a magnet. For once, all seemed good.

“Hey, Cas. How is it goin’?” Dean, as per usual asked him smile lighting up his eyes.

“Good.”

“Good, good. Listen, me and Sammy are headed South Dakota in a few hours. Mind tagging along?”

“Sure.”

By now it was a given that Cas was going to go with them, unless something incredibly urgent came up and even then chances were that Castiel would follow Dean to the end of the world if he the man was headed that direction. That should have been another clue.

“Awesome. We’re thinking it might be a witch. I am telling you, man, those skanks are just nasty. Three ridiculous deaths in the past week in a small town sure as hell doesn’t sound normal. I mean the victims had their intestines full of needles. Needles!”

“That… doesn’t sound normal.”

“Tell me about it,” Dean said as he gave baby one general once over and turned his attention back to Cas. “Right. Me and Sammy are going to grab a bite in a bit at the diner down the road. Let me know when you’re ready and we’ll go.”

To which Castiel nodded and Dean went inside the bunker. Castiel was at peace. Or he should have been and yet as he stood watching the clouds wander across the sky, a sense of restlessness came over him. He’d get those, from time to time but usually he’d be so busy trying to keep everyone safe that he wouldn’t have time to dwell on it.

Back in the bunker Sam Winchester finally awoke from his peaceful slumber and greeted Dean with a gruntled sigh. Dean grinned at him and sauntered to the bathroom where he planned to take a shower to wash all the grease away, humming to himself. Sam would have completely ignored it if it weren’t for the fact that a while later Cas entered the building, looking alive and well, if not a little…bored? Troubled? Indifferent? Sam was unsure.

“Hey, Cas.”

Castiel liked Sam. He was a good person and he loved his brother very much.  Cas could appreciate that, and for a brief moment he thought of Gabriel.

“Hello, Sam.”

"Dean and I are going for a hunt in South Dakota if you want to come,” he announced and Castiel found himself smiling. Ah, the Winchesters.

“Yes. Dean told me.”

Sam raised his eyebrows and then nodded to himself. “Figures. Listen I’m gonna go get changed. Dean’s in the shower. He’ll probably take a while. He’s awfully chipper this morning. Feel free to relax or something.” And with that he gave him a polite smile and left.

Castiel liked Sam. He was intelligent, kind and loyal. But Castiel didn’t love him and that should have been perhaps the biggest clue of them all. What was it about Dean that Castiel loved so much anyway? Sure, he was the Righteous Man and his soul shone bright and beautiful. But it wasn’t like Sam wasn’t beautiful in his own way. And yet whenever he looked at the elder brother he… He felt different.

He reasoned it was because he pulled him back from Hell. After all it was no small feat and a rare one too. Sure, he pulled Sam back too but somehow it wasn’t the same. He’ll never forget the first sight of Dean’s soul and how suddenly, deeply moved he’d felt that he didn’t even know what to do with himself. Angels did not feel and he didn’t understand it at first.

But there he was, pleading in agony and Castiel felt like his mission became all the more urgent.  Dean was suffering and Castiel didn’t know him but he knew he was a good man. For a while, Dean was distant, unsure of what was happening but desperate to get out of Hell. When Castiel finally got to him and gripped him tight, all resistance and doubts melted and the hunter wept. He begged for forgiveness, pain and self-hatred twisting his soul and Castiel  _ messed up _ . He didn’t understand it then. He couldn’t. But in a desperate attempt to stop the hurting he reached out, fervently and carelessly like he’s never done before and before he knew it he let slivers of his grace patch the cracks in Dean’s tormented soul. He thought nothing of it then. Dean calmed down at least for a while and Castiel counted that as victory.

Looking back at it he should have known, then and there that he would never be the same again.

“Ready to hit the road?” Dean asked, Sam not far behind carrying a couple of bags.

He felt his face light up in a smile before he got up. “Yes.”

He should have known he was in love with Dean Winchester.

* * *

Fast forward to a few months later, autumn rolled and the first signs of winter were showing. There was still no looming doom and cases were as normal they could be. Castiel went to Heaven less and less in favour for staying at the bunker. A routine developed between the three of them and Castiel was happy.

And then Christmas was on their doorstep and Gabriel  _ happened. _

The archangel and part time trickster, supposedly back from the dead because of course nobody could actually stay dead, came to their doorstep, bloody and battered. Sam ushered him inside despite Dean’s loud and colourful protests. Castiel assured them that it was indeed his brother and he was in desperate need for help. Soon they had him resting in one of the empty rooms in the bunker.

A grim atmosphere settled in the bunker and for a couple of weeks nobody felt like celebrating. Christmas and New Years came and went unnoticed as Gabriel slept. Sam was the most worried of them all. Castiel could see the weak grace slowly healing and no matter how many times he reassured Sam, the hunter still stood up late researching. For what, it was hard to say since no one knew what actually happened but he kept at it anyway. It was bad enough that Dean was worried too. Dean, Castiel could tell, didn’t like Gabriel very much and it was understandable. And yet, he would visit his room from time to time, silent and tense.

One particular evening was worse than others. It seemed that even Sam’s patience had a limit and he found the hunter staring morosely at the opposite wall, empty cans of beer sprawled across the table. It was odd to see Sam so affected by Gabriel’s condition, considering Dean, while not pleased by it he wasn’t suffering so much. But then Castiel reckoned Sam was sometimes more accepting than Dean.

Prudently, he sat across from Sam and grabbed his own can of beer. He didn’t care for it much but he liked the way Dean smiled at him whenever he ate or drank with them. He supposed it was a human thing although he wasn’t sure about it. Sam shot him a sad smile as if he was finally aware of his presence and raised his can. They drank quietly for a while until Castiel spoke up.

“He will be fine. It just takes time to heal.” He had hoped, in vain, to put his worries at rest.

Sam nodded. “I know. I know. I just…” he sighed and turned to look at Castiel with sadness swimming  in his eyes. “I wish I could _do_ something about it. I mean yeah he wasn’t the best to us and I’ll never forget the endless Tuesdays he put me through but he helped. For all the torture he put us through, he had good intentions. Misguided, but _good_ , you know. He thought he was helping. And I know he’s killed a lot of people simply to teach them a lesson and I don’t agree with it at all and yet I can’t hate him. I know Dean doesn’t approve but I am worried and I just wish he’d wake up and get better and…”

Castiel blinked. “Sam…”

“Look I know. He’s your brother. It can’t be easy to see him like that. I know I would lose it if Dean was in that condition right now. I’m sorry I… I shouldn’t be complaining about it. I can’t imagine what you must feel like.”

He really was sorry, Castiel could tell. But he didn’t understand it. Not really.

“It’s true. I am worried about him, but he  _ is _ healing. He will be fine and he’s safe here.” He frowned, head tilting to the side. “Why are you so worried about him?” He didn’t know where the question came from specifically but it must have been something in Sam’s defeated posture or the whole tense atmosphere.

Sam seemed to really look at him for the first time since he entered the room as if shocked.

Neither said anything for a while and Cas didn’t prompt him in any way. Ultimately, Sam sighed as if resigned and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I guess I like him. I mean don’t get me wrong, he’s so infuriating and such an ass, but he’s  _ Gabriel, _ you know? It’s just who he is and he is kind of funny,” he smiles to himself looking away. “We just found out he’s alive but he is in a coma or whatever is happening to him. I thought I’d never see him again but he’s back and… I missed him more than I ever thought I would and I had no idea until he came back. Now I can’t rest until I know he’s alive and well.”

That right there, that’s the moment when Castiel finally understands what should have been obvious ever since Sam carried the archangel inside the bunker.

“You love him.” He wasn’t able to stop himself from saying it out loud and Sam stopped to stare at him for a while before he nodded.

“Yeah. I, uh, don’t know how  _ that  _ happened. I mean by all means I shouldn’t be able to stands his guts or at least I should just be able to get on with my life without problems but here I am. Figures.” He chugs the rest of his can and turns his attention back to Castiel. “I’m sorry. I don’t know if you guys do the whole love thing or what your stance is on it. I mean I assume Gabriel doesn’t much care about rules but he is an angel and I don’t know anything about angel relationships.”

“Angels aren’t opposed to the idea of love although most do not seek out human partners. You’re our charge. Father’s creation. Although I believe that ‘ship might have sailed’ a long time ago. I don’t think he’d mind. You worry too much. Gabriel can be difficult but he’s not rotten. He might be the most human of us all.”

“You’re human too, Cas.”

“Yes, I know. However, Gabriel understands you better. He has lived amongst you more than I.”

Sam seemed to accept that. “Do you not think it’s weird that I… you know?”

“Love Gabriel? Perhaps it’s unexpected but it’s not as dramatic as you might think. You worry too much. He will not be off put by it. Angels are supposed to love humans and to see it reflected back is nice.”

“Right, ok.” He inhaled sharply and Castiel frowned. “I, uh, am in love with him.” Silence.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Sam looked away, a pink blush colouring his cheeks. “I gather that is not acceptable.” He looked so distraught by it.

“That’s not the case. Yes, it’s unusual for angels to develop romantic feelings for angels but not unheard of. It might have not been the most celebrated of unions. Angels were cast out of Heaven if they fell for humans, but ultimately I believe those rules don’t apply anymore. Besides, Gabriel doesn’t care for rules.” Sam sat still, pondering his words. “I don’t know if he would feel the same or if he is capable of feelings but I wouldn’t exclude it as a possibility.”

“Right. You, uh, don’t seem so freaked out by this. I mean shouldn’t you?”

Shouldn’t he? By all means, he should but he found that he wasn’t. Sam’s feelings seem to be genuine, coming from a place of kindness and Castiel could not disapprove of such a thing. It was odd, considering everything, but he wasn’t repulsed by it.

He shrugged. “No. You’re a good man, Sam. He is lucky to have you as an admirer.”

When Sam went to bed that night, or rather early morning, he thought Castiel was a simple man/angel to please. As far as he was concerned, the goodness of one’s soul seemed to be what mattered rather than whatever social rules existed. He couldn’t help but smile a little. Perhaps it wasn’t all so bad.

* * *

The first snow came. Castiel, in all his millennia of existence, never felt happier doing something as silly and seemingly insignificant as snowball fighting with Dean and Sam. Dean and Sam were the first to start chucking snowballs at each other before Dean’s brilliant green eyes turned on him and hit him playfully without a warning. Castiel smiled back and made his own snowball, which he used to fight back. A while later Dean was teaching him how to make snow angels and Castiel, albeit perplexed by the whole ordeal, flapped his legs and arms about as instructed. Dean laughed and Castiel, despite the difficult weeks they’d been having, felt happy for a while.

Later that evening, although the initial happiness diminished, as expected considering Gabriel’s condition, they watched a film and Dean explained everything in detail, face animated and voice full of enthusiasm. Even Sam seemed to be more relaxed as he ate his popcorn, occasionally glancing at his brother from his armchair with a content expression.

That is not to say that Castiel was worry free. While Gabriel’s condition was stable and getting better, the words he exchanged with Sam that one night, words he didn’t dare repeat to Dean or another living soul, stayed with him. He couldn’t quite understand why they mattered so much but there they did. Sam was in love with Gabriel. Odd considering their history and yet not so unexpected. Gabriel is powerful and he glows. In his true form at least. A lot of creatures love Gabriel, that’s just the way it is. But Sam, Sam isn’t a  _ creature _ . He can’t see Gabriel’s true form and he holds no illusions of Pure Goodness. He would like to believe it exists but Castiel doesn’t think he sees Gabriel as the benefactor other people might.

What made Sam love Gabriel?

And so, he finds himself asking the hunter one night when Dean is out in town. He might be socially blind, but he knew Dean would not react well to Sam’s confessions. Which brought other questions but he didn’t have time to ponder about those now. He could be back any minute and Castiel didn’t want to deal with  _ that. _

“He’s gentle. I know, he doesn’t seem it. But underneath all that snark and terrible decisions, he is gentle. He is twisted too, I know that much, and I don’t agree with it but he’s Gabriel. I don’t know, I trust him. Which again, I shouldn’t but I do. And I am happy he came to us for help. He could have gone anywhere in the whole universe and yet here he is and maybe it’s because this bunker is warded against anything and everything or maybe it’s because somehow he was in the area but it makes me happy to think he can depend on us, on me. I know I am getting ahead of myself and yet… I want to see him safe. I can’t explain it. I just saw his face and I just knew. It finally clicked. Like he was the missing piece of a puzzle I didn’t know existed but now I wonder how I couldn’t see it when it was right in front of me. There’s something so enticing about him. I don’t quite understand it but I just want to be around him.”

By now Sam was smiling, eyes far away and Castiel pondered that the man was thinking about all the instances in which things would be ok. And he didn’t understand it but he supposed it wasn’t a bad thing. Sam must have sensed something because he turned his attention to him.

“It might sound farfetched and it’s probably not the case but like say there’s this person and when you’re around them whatever worries you might have had before simply lose importance. Because they’re there and they’re fine and alive and things will somehow be ok. I guess it’s true for friendship and any other relationship though.” Sam frowned and stopped for a while. “Let’s take Dean for example. You guys are really good friends. Not to say you and me aren’t but you…share a more profound bond, as you said. Now I know you don’t love my brother but you seem to enjoy his company. Kind of like that but more and different.”

Sam was unsure how to tell the angel about it. He wasn’t sure how much he felt and how much he knew. He suspected that he wasn’t oblivious, he had been human before and Castiel was not as clueless as one might believe. But he didn’t know much he knew and so he tried to think of more personal examples only to realise that the only person he had seen Castiel look human around was Dean. And he didn’t know what to make of that.

“You’re wrong. I do love Dean,” he said as it was the most natural thing in the world and Sam couldn’t help but hum in surprise. The more you know.

“Yes, but you aren’t in love with him. I…” he paused as if looking for the right word, “I don’t expect Gabriel to return my feelings. I’m not going to tell him.”

“But why? He would not mind.”

“To me, it’s more important that he’s alive and well. He can’t… He can’t possibly return my feelings and I would rather be his ally if he needs me than demand something impossible off him. Besides this is my problem to deal with.”

“You don’t know that. Gabriel often demonstrates the ability to feel emotions.”

“Even if that’s true… It doesn’t mean he has to like  _ me _ .”

And there it was. The one thing he noticed about Dean that truly baffled him when he met him all those years ago. Dean didn’t believe he deserved to be saved. Sam didn’t believe he deserved to be loved.

“Sam, you do deserve to be loved. Maybe my brother doesn’t feel that way about you, I’m sorry, I don’t know. But you would deserve his love, should he feel the same.”

Sam smiled sadly at him and Castiel knew he didn’t believe him but he nodded anyway.

“Thanks, Cas. It’s just… I’ve made so many mistakes. How could anyone, let alone him who’d seen so much and knows so much, deem me worthy of his affection? Maybe I am putting him on a pedestal, but he is more insightful than he lets on and surely my past is not…is not something one could possibly accept. I might make mistakes again, I might do terrible things and I can’t expect him to stay. I can’t expect him to stay even if I never do anything wrong again, which let’s be honest is impossible given our line of work. I would be happy just to know him alive and well.”

“I might not be the best to ask, but I’ve made mistakes too. I caused trouble. You have accepted me. Gabriel has too.”

“You’re his brother.”

Castiel shrugged. “Gabriel must consider you at least an ally. He would not have showed up to your door in that state if he didn’t. Maybe he thought I would be here, but there’s a chance he didn’t know where I was. Have more faith in yourself, Sam.”

“I guess…”

“You and Dean are so alike sometimes.” At that Sam’s interest piqued. “Neither believe yourselves worthy. I know now that life is confusing and mistakes come with an impressive amount of guilt. But you’re too harsh on yourselves. You’re good men.”

And he would have said more but the sudden bang on the front door put the conversation to a halt. Dean returned from his journey and for once Castiel was annoyed at the hunter’s aversion to emotional talk. Why was it that Sam felt perfectly fine talking about his fears while Dean seemed allergic to the very notion of serious talk?

* * *

 

 “ ‘Sup, kiddo?” came out a couple of days later. Gabriel had risen from his deep rest and padded to the kitchen where everyone was gathered, having breakfast. Sam was the first to react, dropping his spoon in his muesli bowl, followed by Castiel who smiled broadly at the sight of his brother finally awake, followed by a snort that came from Dean. He didn’t look angry, if anything he seemed relieved although he pretended to get on with his bacon as if nothing actually happened.

“Gabriel!” Sam shouted standing up and walking towards the angel. “You’re awake!” He couldn’t believe his eyes. He really was fine. “How are you feeling?”

“Aww, Sammy, I’m touched. Missed you too,” he said, grinning widely. “Does anyone have any maple syrup? My mouth feels like cotton.”

Dean snorted again but he pointed to the fridge. “Sure thing, Candyland.”

As he settled down with an inhuman amount of sweets on his plate, all eyes turned to him. 

“What happened?” Castiel asked.

“Wow, straight to the point as ever,” Gabriel sighed.

“Gabriel…”

“Alright, alright, untwist your panties, Dean-o boy. I was minding my business like the good archangel that I am when I notice that I am being followed. Now naturally that couldn’t be good since I was supposedly on a barren plane of existence. Turns out no one can let me stay dead or at least MIA. Anywho, as you can imagine, it was not a friendly visit. This muttonhead comes up to me and gives me a good whooping. Somehow, I manage to escape but the asshole keeps following me. Ultimately, it came down to a simple question: Do I let him kill me or do I go to you to ask for help? And so here I am.”

“Why was he following you?” Castiel asked before anyone could comment.

“Apparently he wanted to form a new group and he wanted me to help him lead. Some angels, it seems, still hold some sense of grandeur. He wouldn’t have gotten to me, but since I was far away and in a weakened state, he caught me by surprise and tada.”

“So let me get this straight… You didn’t actually die?”

“No.”

“And you didn’t think to mention this to us all this time because…?” Dean asked further, grimacing.

“Aww, you care. I’m touched.”

“Cut the crap, man. Of course we care! You died on us one too many times,” he grumbled.

What he wasn’t saying, Cas finally understood, was that Dean actually did care. And not because Gabriel died or because he turned up alive. Dean, despite himself, seemed to accept Gabriel as an ally and Castiel smiled. He suddenly felt the urge to touch Dean but he had to stop himself. Dean wouldn’t like that.

“Cute. Sorry, Deano. I’ll call next time.”

To which Dean rolled his eyes.

“Well, I’m glad you’re alive.” Sam said, interrupting them. However, he turned to Castiel next. “I wasn’t aware that there was trouble in Heaven.” He sounded more accusatory than he intended but Castiel didn’t take it personally.

“That’s because this one’s a rogue one. Has been for millennia and he woke up from his deep slumber and now wants to rule the world. As if we haven’t had enough of this shit already, what with Lucifer and Michael.” Gabriel dramatically rolled his eyes. “No one will pay him attention. I don’t think. He is delusional. Has no idea what this world is. It’s unlikely that anyone will take him seriously. We’re all tired and nobody wants to die. Besides, you’d have to be special kind of stupid to think your plans can just go well with you three muttonheads around.” He smirked.

“So that’s it? No big bad doom headed our way?”

Gabriel shrugged. “Maybe. But he’s not a threat.”

“He did a number on you,” Sam pointed out.

“Yeah, well he caught me unawares.”

Everyone seemed to ponder that for a while before Cas spoke up. “I’ll ‘keep an eye’ on it.” Dean smiled and Cas found himself smiling back.

“Yeah, you do that, buddy.”

“Good call, I’ll have my eyes on the internet in case anything suspicious comes up.”

“Aww, look at us, all co-operating and stuff. Good talk.” Gabriel stands up. “Well, I’m going to go take a shower. Don’t give me that look, Samantha, I may not physically need one but I do appreciate a good shower. Tood-a-loo.”

Nobody commented on the fact that he limped, or that he didn’t zap away. For one, Sam was happy that Gabriel was staying. Even if it was just for a while.

 

But with the resurrection of his brother, new issues came. Heaven, as it turned out, was silent. Nobody knew of Gabriel or the rogue, forgotten angel with ideas of godhood. Deaths and strange occurances have been as normal as they can and not even Hell knew anything about any new dangers. It all seemed peaceful. Too peaceful and Castiel knew something had to be wrong.

Life was just not that easy.

But until they found out more, all they could do was look and stay focused. As an addition, Gabriel stayed. Nobody questioned him about how he never really left the bunker for longer than a day or two and everyone seemed relieved when he came back from wherever he went when he wasn’t there.

With all the new developments, Castiel hardly had time to catch a break, but today seemed like a particularly uneventful day. And so, his mind, tired of worrying and wondering about the future, focused on his surroundings. Dean was telling him a story about his childhood and Castiel found himself smiling despite himself. Dean was so beautiful, he thought, so radiant when he talked about things he loved and Castiel was filled with a sudden swell of affection. He wanted Dean to smile more often. Laugh, like he had when they had that snowfight, or when he explained the plot of the film they were watching. Sometimes, Dean smiled and Castiel didn’t know why. He’d just be aware that Dean would smile in his direction like he knew something Castiel didn’t but Castiel didn’t mind. Dean was happy and Castiel liked it when Dean was happy. It made him feel fuzzy.

_ I’d do anything for you, Dean. If it meant you could keep smiling like that, I would.  _ And that’s when it hit him. He was in love with Dean Winchester. He was so far in love with him he didn’t know what to do with himself or the newfound knowledge. Dean, unaware of his internal struggle, kept on talking but Cas... Cas wasn’t feeling so fuzzy anymore.

What should he do now?

* * *

As it turned out, no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t figure out a way to deal with his feelings. If anything, it got worse. He loved Dean, that was easy to deal with. Dean was  _ lovely. _ But now Castiel knew his love was more intense than simple appreciation. Cas wanted the hunter to thrive and if he could help the man, he would in a heartbeat. Now, that wasn’t a new concept. It’s what he had been doing for years. But now he knows why he had been doing it and the fact that he has been in love with Dean for so long is shocking. How can something so grand escape him so easily?

It’s silly, he concluded, how a random, seemingly harmless moment can hold such insight. After all that was not the first time Dean has shared stories with him, or smiled in his presence and yet it was that moment he understood that he really loved Dean.

Castiel snorted, suddenly remembering the last serious conversation he had with Sam. “But you’re not in love with Dean.” He should have understood, then and there, that maybe he did. How did he not question it? How was he so blind? Castiel did not doubt the nature of his feelings for Dean. For once, it felt  _ right _ . But what was he to do with his feelings? Dean, in all his beauty, did not feel the same. Dean, for all his qualities, could not accept Cas because Dean didn’t do feelings. Cas was family and Castiel was grateful for it, he really was, but that treacherous voice inside taunted him about how he could never really have Dean the way he wanted to and Castiel felt miserable sometimes.

Dean might want a family one day. He remembered Lisa Braeden. Cas was an angel. His very existence invited all sorts of trouble. He could never offer Dean the normal life he so desperately craved even if he did take a female vessel. He would go as far as becoming human too, if it meant it made Dean happy, but he had caused too much trouble. He knew better. The universe would not let him be. There would always be some creature looking to start trouble and Castiel was always a good target for such things. Besides Dean would probably not want a normal life either. He must be aware how difficult it is to be hunter or a Winchester in his case. Normal life or not, he would let himself have anything good.

And that’s assuming Dean would ever look at him  _ that  _ way. Which he wouldn’t.

“’Sup, baby bro? Hath the carpet offendeth your sensibilities?” Seeing as Castiel frowned in confusion, Gabriel continued. “You’ve been pacing holes into the damn thing all morning. What’s got you all mourny? Did Dean forget to give you a kiss goodnight?” he joked but Castiel didn’t feel like laughing. And it must have shown because Gabriel’s face became serious for once. “Oh he did, didn’t he?”

“He didn’t forget to give me a kiss goodnight, Gabriel. He and I have no such relations.” And that was the problem wasn’t it?

Because Cas would like to be close to Dean. He’d like to touch the man, always has. No wonder he gravitated to the man all the time. Cas would like to be allowed to shower Dean with affection because Dean deserved to be happy, dammit, and Cas wanted to be the one to give that to him.

“Yeah, maybe. But you want in his pants, dontcha?” he said as he popped the lollipop out of his mouth with a loud pop.

“Why would I want to be in his pants?” He asked, seriously confused. “I have my own.”

Gabriel snickered. “Sure you do, but Dean’s are sexier.” He winked and Castiel blushed, understanding the allusion. Oh, now that’s a mental imagine he didn’t need. Or needed too bad actually. “Oh, boyo. Let me guess, that chucklehead is completely oblivious, isn’t he?”

“I am in love with Dean,” he stated all of a sudden, ignoring Gabriel’s rant. It felt odd to say it out loud and yet it was satisfying. His heart beat faster, harder, and he knew it to be truth. If there was ever any doubt, and there wasn’t really, now it was all gone.

“M’yeah.”

“You don’t seem surprised,” he said it like a sentence but sounded more like question.

“Oh, Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. I could have told you you loved that buffoon years ago.” Castiel gave him a withering look. “Don’t look at me like that. You basically had heart eyes for him since day one. Castiel, the angel who rebelled for one silly man. Not the first but certainly the most impressive of them all. Righteous Man and all that.”

“I see.”

“Oh come on. Surely you must have known you loved him.”

“Yes, but…this is different.”

“It really isn’t. All you have to do is go profess you gross, undying love for him and you’ll be bumping uglies in no time. Now shoo. You’re welcome.”

Castiel frowned. “Dean isn’t ugly. He’s the mo-…”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s a fair maiden, alright I get it. That’s not what I meant. Just tell him you love him. It’ll all be good,” Gabriel advised as he rocket on a chair.

“No.”

Gabriel let the chair fall in the normal position with a loud thud. “Why the hell not?”

Cas raised one delicate eyebrow at him. “Dean doesn’t like me that way. Besides, he is ‘emotionally constipated’.”

Gabriel gave him one appraising look and nodded, seeminly coming to an agreement with his brother. “Ah yes, I forgot how crabby he gets whenever he has to talk about  _ feelings. _ Like it’s this dirty thing.”

“I do not wish to cause him any displeasure.”

“I bet.”Castiel sighed and sat down at last.  “Tell you what. I think I can help.”

Cas stared at him in disbelief. “You…can?”

“Yeah, I’ll send you to in an alternate universe where you’re married and he’ll see how good of a husband you are and that there’s nothing wrong with a bit of dick and boom, problem solved!”

“Gabriel….!” He warned. That was a terrible plan.

“Gee, you’re no fun. What if you try to make him jealous? Pretend to get with some girl. Nay, better yet. A guy. Because yeah, getting with a girl would sting him, but a guy? Mm, now that’s something he’d take personally. He’d go all  _ so he could get with a guy, he likes guys I mean of course he does, angels don’t have genders, and this is Cas he doesn’t discriminate anyway, but he could get with a guy and that guy is decidedly not me. I mean why the fuck not? What, am I not good enough now or what? What’s so special about this douchebag anyway? What does he have that I don’t huh? Oh I’ll show him.  _ Ta-da! Problem solved.”

“No. I do not wish to see Dean in distress. Nor do I wish to involve an innocent bystander. Besides, Dean would  _ not _ care.”

“I swear you’re as bad as he is. Fine, be boring. Go back to sulking. I can’t help you if you keep refusing all my plans.”

It is at that moment when Sam enters the room, groggy with sleep but curious. “What plans? Did something happen?”

He waves at the angels and gives Gabriel a small smile before he can stop himself. Gabriel is about to open his mouth and lie, Castiel can tell and so the angel speaks before Gabriel can go and spoil it. He will not have Gabriel lie to Sam on his account if he can help it. Besides, Sam would understand. He hoped.

“I am in love in with Dean.”

Sam raises his eyebrows and stops to consider his declaration for a second before he shrugs. “Figures.”

“See? Told ya. Anyone with eyes can tell, Cassidy. Now, Sam, please be a darling and explain to baby blue here why getting Dean jealous totally is the way to get the man to admit his feelings.”

“Dean doesn’t like me,” Castiel repeated, annoyed.

“ See what I have to deal with? I swear they’re like two peas in a pod.”

Sam sighs. Suddenly he wants to go back to bed. It’s too early to deal with this. And as if sensing that the powers that be are concentrating in the living room, Dean himself walks in, unaware of what evil plans transpired in his own house.

“Woa, full house. Must be a special occasion. Don’t tell me, it’s my birthday. Guys, guys you shouldn’t have,” he jokes. “But seriously where’s the pie?”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Shouldn’t you know when your birthday is?”

Dean grins. “Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Castiel looked at Dean. He didn’t need to be his lover to keep this man safe. He’ll find a way. He will not let his feelings get in the way.

* * *

Only that his feelings got in the way. Because things were never easy for Castiel. It was a week after that disastrous conversation with Gabriel that Dean, Sam and Cas came back from a case. And Dean went to the bar one night and left with a strange woman. Jealousy, as it happens, was not something he could control any more than he could his ardent love or desperate longing. Because it turns out as soon as he admitted that he was in love with Dean the dam was broken and his feelings clouded his judgement. Why couldn’t Dean look _ his  _ way for once?

Would he, if he was a woman? Or would he turn her away too simply because it would be Cas? Castiel feared the answer so he decided to take a vacation. He was becoming petty and immature and nobody needed that.

“Going somewhere, Cassie?” Gabriel asked. They were back at the bunker and he had not hesitated to pack his belongings as soon as the Winchesters retreated to their private quarters. He had hoped to leave unnoticed but of course Gabriel would notice.

“Gabriel…”

“Lemme guess. Deano, in his stupidity, went and got himself some booty in South Dakota. You, out of your mind with jealousy, decided you need some time away because Dad knows what you’d do if Dean went out again. Sounds about right?”

“How-…?”

Gabriel waved his hand. “Please. With that murderous glint in your eyes, there’s no way it’s not that. I mean, initially I would have said someone tried to harm Dean and succeeded and you were about to go smite a bitch but since he’s safe, the only possible explanation is that you feel like someone took him from you. Hence, casual sex.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Look, it’s funny. It really is. But I hate seeing you so depressed all the time. No monkey should make my brother feel like a worthless pup. And before you say anything I like Dean, I do. But he’s an idiot. And you deserve to be treated with respect. Knowing you, you’re probably blaming yourself right now. And it would make sense if that idiot didn’t like you back, because he doesn’t owe you anything. But he does like you and I am sick and tired of him denying it.”

“But he-…”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! I swear to Dad if you say that he doesn’t like you one more time I will lock you up in a room until you admitted each other’s feelings. He likes you, right? Trust your big bro. There’s no way he doesn’t when he looks at you like the sun shines out of your ass.”

Castiel nodded but he didn’t believe him. Gabriel might have been a knowledgeable archangel, but Castiel knew Dean in ways Gabriel couldn’t possibly imagine. And Dean wasn’t in love with Cas.

* * *

 

 Dean, well Dean was having a grand time. Or he would have been if things didn’t go tits up. He should have known that something wasn’t right. It was the way his life flowed: if it was peaceful it could not remain that way. The universe didn’t seem to like a relaxed, content Dean. 

Looking back at it he should have known things were going bad months ago when he walked into Sam, Cas and Gabriel gathered around in the living room, seemingly discussing something important. Something they did not continue to discuss as soon as he entered the room. Back then, he paid it no mind. But then, it didn’t stop there. Every now and then he’d find either Gabriel and Sam or Sam and Cas or Cas and Gabriel, or some variation of that, talk about something. And sure, Dean didn’t care. Gossiping, he could handle. If the three of them wanted to gather around the table and start reminiscing of the days of old who was he stop them?

And then there was the hook ups. Dean loved sex. It was an enjoyable way to pass the time. His companions always enjoyed themselves and it was a good break from the worries that came with hunting. So here he was, trying to flirt with the brunette who was sat next to him at the bar. The woman, however, didn’t pay him any attention. No problem there. He didn’t think he was entitled her attention. Dean would have moved on with his day and wouldn’t have done anything about it.

Unfortunately, that’s what he has been doing for the past month or so. He can’t really recall how it all began, but somehow whenever he tried to flirt with someone it somehow went horribly wrong. They either hated him on an instant, ignored him or simply told him to fuck off. No matter the town or the venue, the scene kept unfolding himself. And Dean wasn’t stupid. What were the chances of such a thing happening? Very slim. Not to be big headed but this was not natural. Why did every woman ever seemed to hate his guts all of a sudden?

Unless, of course, Gabriel intervened. It would be  _ just  _ like him to do that. Then there was that time at the gay bar. _ That  _ had sealed the deal. Dean, in his innocence, thought he was entering your meek usual bar when after two shots of tequila the picture seemed to shift. Men, so many men, of different ages bundled together. The kissing, the grinding and the overall atmosphere was…intoxicating. It didn’t help that for some reason he thought he saw Cas for a brief moment. His heart stopped and he left the bar in a hurry.

Lying in his bed, eyes fixated on the ceiling he thought of all the times Sam, Cas and Gabriel talked in whispers. It all made sense. Gabriel probably got bored and, because he is an asshole, he thought pranking Dean must be a suitable way to pass the time. Sam, probably wanting to get his revenge after the last prank war they had, didn’t take much persuasion.

Cas, however…now that was unexpected. Cas didn’t do stuff like that. Why would he ally himself with Gabriel and Sam? 

Unless, of course, Gabriel had blackmailed him. It was  _ the _ only way. Cas must have found out about the pranks and must have asked Gabriel to stop. But of course the trickster  _ would not _ stop, thank you very much and so, naturally, Dean imagined, Cas threatened to expose the duo to Dean. But because Gabriel is an asshole and old as hell, he must have threatened Cas to tell Dean about his secret. Cas, desperate to not be ratted out, promised to stay silent if it meant that the secret remained a secret.

It would explain all the strange looks Cas had been given him lately too. The poor guy must have been terrified of Dean finding out and he must have been checking Dean for confirmation that nothing was exposed. And so, Dean found himself presented with a new situation: Cas had a secret he desperately wanted to keep away from Dean. What could possibly have the angel so embarrassed or terrified to agree to let Gabriel torment him?

Naturally, Dean couldn’t just ask him. Cas wouldn’t tell him. It’s why it was a secret, dammit! Gabriel was a definite no go. The man wanted to screw with him and if Cas’ secret got out without Cas actually betraying Gabriel, Cas would be furious. Sam…Sam wasn’t emotionally involved in this. Not really. He would have not spilled the secret out of the principle that Cas deserved his privacy. Either that or Sam himself had no idea what the secret was. And yet, the image of them three sitting around the table, faces serious and somewhat grim popped back in his mind. No, Sam must know what the secret was. And that drove insane. Why did everyone seem to know something about Cas but he didn’t? What, was he not good enough for them anymore?

And thus a week passed and several pranks transpired, one worse than the others. Dean tried to convince Sam through a war of pranks to let out the secret. Of course, he didn’t actually tell Sam that outright but he had hoped that somehow Sam would crack and he would tell Dean what he wanted to hear. Sam did no such thing. And he won the war too.

There was only one option left. He had to ask Cas. Hopefully the angel would tell him. Cas was generally honest. But first he needed to get him away from his brother and the archangel. Which was easier than he originally would have thought. All he had to do was ask Cas if he wanted to go on a supply shopping trip with him and soon the two of them were out on the road in the Impala.

But how would he go about it? It wasn’t like he could just ask him outright and he wasn’t sure if hinting would work with Cas since he sometimes didn’t really understand it. Still, Dean tried to hint at him. He really did but Cas either had his poker face game strong or he simply didn’t pick up on it. Which led to them sitting back in the car on their way back when Dean thinks of a dirty, dirty trick. He could make Cas think he knew what his secret was and hopefully they’d get talking about it. But Dean did not feel right doing that. This was Cas. Cas was family. But Cas wouldn’t tell him the truth, Dean feared.

“Listen, Cas… I know about it,” he announced before he could change his mind.

Cas could have sworn his heart stopped right there and then. No, no, no, no. Dean couldn’t possibly know about his feelings for him! He had been careful. He made sure to never let it show. How was that possible?!

Something in his face must have shown his internal panic because Dean suddenly spoke.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok. It’s not so terrible. It can happen to anyone.” Dean had no idea what he was talking about and suddenly he felt really, really guilty. Apparently, that had not been the right thing to say because Cas’ face  _ fell. _ And Dean panicked because Cas looked stricken and what even was going on?

“No…not to me, Dean.” His voice sounded so strangled even to his own ears. For a second, before Dean said anything he had hoped that perhaps the human felt the same way. What a fool he’d been!

Dean on the other hand could not go on with this lie. Cas was genuinely hurt and Dean couldn’t stand it. Because that right there? That look on Cas’ face was his fault and he couldn’t stomach it. “Sure it can. Chlamydia is a common STD. I had it once. That’s why, use protection.”

That seemed to get his attention. “Excuse…me?”

“Well Gabriel had been up my ass for the past few months with his pranks and I thought he had some sort of leverage on you. I figured it must have embarrassed you. STDs are not something people talk about freely. I just wanted to say I don’t think of you less, you know?” He knew it was a loosely tied lie but Cas seemed to buy it and hell if that meant the angel wouldn’t look like someone murdered a puppy in front of him, then so be it. He fake-had chlamydia, sue him.

“Gabriel? What did he do?” Cas frowned. “Dean, I’m an angel. I do not get STDs.”

Right. Of course. Dean shrugged. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. It’s just Gabriel has somehow managed to turn every single woman I ever tried to flirt with against me and I thought you were on this prank war… Sorry, it’s stupid. Forget about it.”

Thank fuck they made it back to the bunker just in time for him to escape this. “Dean?” Cas called when he saw that the hunter wasn’t coming inside the bunker.

“I’ll catch up with you in second. I need to bring in the guns from the truck. They’re due a cleaning.” Cas nodded.

Well, he might have been wrong about Cas being blackmailed, but now he knew for sure that Cas had a secret he definitely wanted to keep away from him and Dean’s mood turned sour.

What could have Cas so terrified that he couldn’t tell Dean?

* * *

Back at the bunker, Castiel barged in Gabriel’s room without much further ado. Luckily the archangel was simply perched on his bed watching Netflix.

“Why are you pranking Dean?”

Gabriel, unfazed by the whole ordeal kept his eyes on the screen. “It’s funny.”

“You have stopped him from having any sort of casual relations with other females.” Gabriel nodded. “You need to stop it.”

“No.”

“Yes. Gabriel, I appreciate the thought however this is Dean’s body. He is allowed to do whatever he pleases with it.”

“Only that he isn’t?”

“Because you won’t let him!”

“Yeah, uh, no. Look, I’ve had it. Dean doesn’t get to make you all miserable and get away with it.”

“Please stop.”

“Cassie…”

“I want him to be happy. This makes him happy. I will not have him blocked from his needs just so I won’t feel jealous.” Gabriel sighed.

* * *

Cas must have talked to Gabriel because women stopped glaring at him. He was relieved in that aspect but he wasn’t interested in hooking up anymore. Cas had a secret that probably really ate at him and Dean didn’t like that. He didn’t know  _ what  _ to do with that. Cas was obviously troubled by it and Dean wanted to help but he had no idea how and it was driving him mad. Sam wouldn’t tell him, Dean just knew he wouldn’t. And Cas wouldn’t tell him either. Gabriel might have been an ass but Dean wanted to help. Maybe he could help.

Which is how he found himself in front of Gabriel who was watching him uninterested.

“What is wrong with Cas?” Apparently that was the wrong thing to ask because Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Look, he is moping. I know he has a secret and he looks scared. Is it another apocalypse? What is going on here???”

“No apocalypse.”

“Then why was he on the verge of fleeing when I said I knew what his secret was?”

Gabriel gave him a scan from head to toe and shook his head. “You really are that dense, huh? Impressive. How you managed to save the world is beyond me.” Dean glared. “Look, I can’t tell you. This is not mine to tell.”

“Why won’t he tell me?”

“Why do you think? He’s scared of how you’ll react. That idiot wouldn’t know what to do if you were to turn around tell him he’s not worth it anymore.”

Dean crossed his arms. “I’d never! Damn it, Cas, we’ve been through so much together. There’s nothing he could tell me that would make me hate him.”

Gabriel snorted. “Yeah try telling him that. He won’t listen to me. Look, Dean. I don’t understand how the both of you manage to be most self-critical muttonheads in all creation but, please, for the love of Dad, talk to him. It might have been entertaining at first, but he’s hurting.”

“But…”

“Just talk to him.”

* * *

“Cas?’

“Yes, Dean?”

They were sitting in a park. Cas was people watching and Dean fidgeted with his ring nervously.

“You know I would never turn you away, don’t you?”

Cas turned to asses him with an appraising look. “…”

“Cas, come on! There’s nothing you could say or do that would make me hate you. You know that right? We’ve been so much together.”

Cas sighed. “You don’t know that…”

“What is it?” he asked softly.

For a moment Dean had to fight the urge to touch Cas. He looked so sad and defeated. What could be eating at him so? Why couldn’t Dean find a way to soothe him? It hurt to see him like this.

“You matter a lot to me, Dean.”

“Well so do you.” But Cas knew he didn’t understand what he meant. He nodded. But Dean was not convinced. “I don’t know what to do, Cas. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. I hate seeing you in pain.”

Cas looked at him. Really looked at him, his eyes big and blue and so full of emotion. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“No. No, you shouldn’t apologise. Just…please tell me what’s wrong. We can fix it together. We’ll find a way. We always do. I promise.”

Cas sighed again. “You won’t like this…” he warned.

“I don’t care. Just let me help.”

“It’s stupid really. It’s not so much of a problem as it is me being greedy. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

Dean frowned. “You are not greedy. It’s clearly upsetting you. I don’t care how stupid you think it is. I want you to be happy, how’s that for a greedy thought?”

Cas gave him a small smile. “You’re a good man, Dean.”

“Yeah, sure I’m sanctimonious.” Dean rolled his eyes. “Look, I don’t care if it’s something as trivial as wanting to go to Disneyland or have a get together with everyone. Whatever you desire, you’ll get it. Just name it and I’ll sort it out.”

Cas closed his eyes and smiled wider, albeit sad. “You, Dean.” Silence. Cas did not dare open his eyes, wanting to savour the moment before he lost Dean forever for a little bit longer. “I want you.”

“Cas, open your eyes.”

Cas’ jaw tightened. “Dean…”

“Please.”

So Cas did because he couldn’t refuse Dean even if he wanted to and Cas didn’t want to. This might be his last request before he left him. Dean looked at him with wonder in his eyes and Cas was about to say something when Dean leaned in and gently pressed his lips to Castiel’s. He didn’t know how long they stayed like that and when Dean moved to pull away Cas, as if driven by some unknown force, leaned back in and kissed Dean hard. He had wanted it for so long…!

“Cas,” Dean pleaded between breaths and Cas stopped to look at him.

“Dean.”

Dean smiled and tentatively brushed Cas’ cheek with his thumb. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long…” Cas raised his eyebrows.

“Why didn’t you?”

Dean snickered. “I didn’t think you wanted me like that.”

“Dean…”

“I know, I know. Guess Gabriel was right, huh?”

Castiel shook his head in slight disbelief. Gabriel was right. “Yes, it would appear so.” His smile radiant as he looked at Dean. And Dean smiled back.

Dean loved Castiel.  _ That _ was a fact.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
